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Hey there

In this week’s edition:

• The language we inherit

• How words hide feelings

• Listening beneath the story

• Speaking the emotional truth

I used to think I was pretty good with words.

Then, when I started doing deep healing work…

I realized I was using them to hide and avoid emotion.

I was a great explainer.

But I was incapable of telling you I was scared, hurt, or sad.

I know I gave my first couple of therapists the blank stare at “What are you feeling, Bob?”

Like a lot of families, mine was much better at talking around emotions than through them.

Looking back, a lot of my language was keeping me stuck.

The language we inherit

Language is one of the last creative expressions to come online.

Long before we had words, we danced, cried, laughed, yelled, and reached for people.

Our bodies knew how to express what we felt.

Then we learned to talk.

Along with language came the rules of our family.

Some families admired toughness.

Some admired niceness.

Some admired achievement.

Some admired sacrifice.

If your caregivers struggled with their own identity, you may have heard:

• "What a good little worker."

• “What a good helper.”

• “You got that perfect.”

• “You’re the smartest.”

• “You’re so nice and good.”

Whatever our caregivers put emphasis on, became our marching orders.

Some of our most authentic self expressions became de-emphazed, and began to atrophy.

The opposite become harder to say:

• “I’m resting now.”

• “I’m letting others take care of themselves.”

• “Mistakes are ok.”

• “I’m feeling deeply.”

• “Sometimes I’m angry, not always nice.”

As adults, we have trouble with these, and live according to the rules we were handed early on.

We fill our lives with words like success, productivity, potential, drive, and control.

These are not necessarily bad concepts.

They just deserve a second look.

Sometimes they're pointing toward an old wound instead of an authentic desire.

If you were praised for always helping, you may have built your identity around taking care of everyone else.

That pattern has kept a lot of us busy while quietly neglecting ourselves.

How words hide feelings

Our everyday language gives us clues.

"I was kind of upset."

"I was sort of angry."

"You know..."

"Like..."

Then there's one of my favorites.

"But."

"I love you, but..."

"I agree with you, but..."

That little word has a way of erasing everything that came before it.

We also use words that sound like feelings but usually aren't.

"I feel rejected."

"I feel disrespected."

"I feel abandoned."

Those words describe what we think happened.

These are judgments and intellecualiztions.

And they are safe zones.

They hide our emotional truth.

The feeling underneath might be anger.

Or sadness.

Or fear.

Which take a lot more courage to own and express.

Listening beneath the story

Many of us became experts at telling the story.

Very few of us learned to notice what was happening in our bodies while we were telling it.

When someone asks how we're feeling, we often answer with a judgment or an explanation.

The body is usually saying something much simpler.

"My chest is tight."

"My stomach just dropped."

"I feel scared."

Those few words can open a door that years of intelectualiztion never could.

Speaking the emotional truth

In healthy circles, people practice simple language.

"I'm angry."

"I'm sad."

"I'm scared."

Most of us won't be very good at it at first.

We smile. We joke. We explain. We intellectualize.

With support, we become more aware of the difference between the story in our heads and the feelings in our bodies.

We don't have to correct every sentence we say.

We simply begin to notice our language.

And little by little, we find ourselves speaking more honestly, feeling more deeply, and becoming more fully ourselves.

Can you relate to any of this? Just hit reply…love to hear from you.

Also, I have a warm online community where we heal together daily. Click here to find out more about The Inner Work Community.

Mad, sad, glad, scared,

Bob

PS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience

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