Be a Hero—Take Care of YOU

Hey there ,

In this week’s edition:

• “Selfish” as a virtue

• How projection hides old pain

• Self-care is good for the world

• The trap of controlling others

• How to finally be “full of yourself”

The Accusation

A friend once said, “You’re so selfish.”

I said, “Would you rather I be you-ish?”

He didn’t laugh.

Then he added, “You’re self-centered.”

“Where would you have me be centered—on you?”

That didn’t help either.

But underneath the exchange, I knew what was happening.

I’d been on both sides of it.

When I’ve been the one accusing someone of selfishness, it was almost always because something in me was hungry for attention or love I hadn’t given myself.

The Mirror

When people say “you’re selfish,” what they usually mean is “You’re not doing what I need.”

It’s projection—old unmet needs resurfacing in the present.

When we take care of ourselves, it can upset people who haven’t learned how to do that yet.

And if we’re new at it, most people don’t expect us to have boundaries.

We taught them how to treat us.

Now we have to re-train them!

I used to be the person who got butt hurt when others didn’t do what I expected.

Watching someone draw boundaries or rest without guilt used to make me uncomfortable.

I’d call it arrogance.

Really, it was envy.

The Oxygen Mask

The cliché from the flight attendant is true: put on your own mask first.

If I’m drained, angry, or disconnected from myself, I’m not much help to anyone.

The degree to which I take good care of myself is the degree to which I can respond kindly and clearly to others.

The best thing I can do for a friend who’s struggling isn’t to argue or defend—it’s to breathe, stay grounded, and remember they’re probably hurting.

I don’t have to take it on. I don’t have to fix it.

Healthy Selfishness

We’ve been conditioned to believe that focusing on ourselves is wrong.

Especially if we grew up managing someone else’s emotions.

Or watching someone do that compulsively.

But emotional maturity means reclaiming our center.

It means being “self-centered” in the best way possible—knowing where we end and someone else begins.

Healthy selfishness is the foundation for real connection.

Full of Yourself

Try an experiment:

• Take absurdly good care of yourself.

• Rest when you need it.

• Say no when you mean it.

• Let people have their reactions.

They might call you selfish.

Let them.

Be full of yourself—not in the arrogant way, but in the literal sense.

Filled up. Whole. Present.

That’s the kind of fullness the world actually needs.

A good way to get started is to reparent yourself. I’ve created The Inner Child Toolkit. It’s a free 5-day email course to help you heal.

The kid inside of us knows exactly what is right for us.

Also, the Inner Work Community opens for enrollment next week. It’s a great opportunity to put this stuff into action. Stay tuned.

I hope this was helpful. Please reply with your thoughts.

Just hit reply and let me know (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Selfishly 😊,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community opens next week. In the meantime, you can start with The Inner Child Toolkit — a free 5-day course that helps you heal the patterns running your life by reconnecting with your younger self.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is now available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. Check out The Deep Waters Experience