A Family of Choice

In this week’s edition:

• Why this isn’t anti-family

• When old relationships can’t support growth

• Choosing people who understand the work

• How healing changes relationships over time

My wife couldn’t understand why my mom had a key to our house.

“That’s my mother, how could you suggest anything negative.”

“But Bob, she’s in every moment of our life. It has to stop.”

Soon, my wife dragged me to a couples session.

I spent the session fighting the therapist.

The poor woman shook her head with compassion for my ex.

I truly thought I was from “a good family” and that was enough.

When she’d finally had enough and left me, I collapsed into reality.

Yes, I’m from a good family—a family with massive dysfunction, addiction, and codependency.

After many tears, anger, and support—I started to create a healthy family of choice.

This isn’t an anti-family post

It’s a choose-people-who-deeply-understand post.

Our families of origin are people who know us.

Many love us.

We’ve been through a lot together.

That matters.

But it doesn’t automatically mean they’re the best people to help us heal.

Many have come to me, and I ask, “Who’s your support system.”

“My husband, my mom, my high school friends.”

It’s not enough.

We need people who are not entwined in our limited views of life.

We need people who are committed to healing as a lifestyle.

Healing asks us to step into reality, and a deep and often painful honesty.

Honesty is threatening in systems that rely on denial, silence, or old roles staying intact.

When old relationships can’t support growth

As we start getting real help for trauma and dependency, we often need some distance from familiar patterns.

Sometimes that means distance from the people who were part of the wounding.

It’s rare for an entire biological family to be doing active inner work.

So it’s unrealistic to expect them to fully support a process they haven’t chosen.

The same is often true of friends we made while living inside dysfunctional patterns.

When we change, the relationship can’t always come with us.

That’s painful, but it’s normal.

When we’re unconscious of our wounds, we tend to block growth in ourselves and in others.

Choosing people who understand

This is why developing a “family of choice” matters.

I borrowed that phrase from Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA), a fellowship focused on healing with a strong emphasis on inner child work.

ACA isn’t just for people affected by alcoholism.

It’s for anyone shaped—subtly or severely—to be someone other than who they really are.

It’s also not the only path.

Once we start this work, we usually find others who are doing something similar.

The key is finding people who won’t get rattled when we look honestly at our past and our patterns.

How healing changes relationships over time

Choosing a family of choice doesn’t mean cutting everyone else off forever.

In the early stages, it can feel that way.

Old feelings are coming up. Sensitivity is higher. Boundaries are new and awkward.

If we grew up in enmeshed families and later chose work or relationships that rewarded that pattern, we need time to stabilize.

That’s not selfish. It’s necessary.

As healing continues, something shifts.

With enough emotional discharge and support, we become less reactive.

More grounded.

From there, it’s often possible to reconnect with family and old friends in a healthier way.

Not everyone will understand.

Some will.

The goal isn’t isolation.

It’s freedom.

And over time, many of us find we can be present with people who don’t fully get our path—without being pulled back into old wounds.

That takes time.

It takes work.

But it’s one of the surest ways to reclaim an authentic life.

There is a lot of support, if we’re ready to claim our most authentic life. 

The Inner Work Community is now open for enrollment. You are warmly invited to this loving community of people on the path of healing.

Please respond. Just hit reply (we publish a monthly roundup of your experience, strength, and hope).

Warmly,

Bob

PS. The Inner Work Community is open for enrollment until midnight Monday, 3/2, learn more about it here.

PPS. Get my new book - Stop Doing Sh*t You Don’t Want to Do! Write an amazing review here. The Audiobook is available on Audible, Spotify, Google Play, and Libro.

PPPS. If you’re ready for a very deep dive, here’s my in-person 3-day intensive trauma healing workshop. It’s by donation. Check out The Deep Waters Experience